I have something special for you today. I have observed, sadly, nice guys that had a lot of trouble dating. It is a complicated endeavor to be sure. You are doing your best to “close the deal”. Not only that but time is precious on a romance tour. With luck, you may manage two or three dates with a lady you feel a connection with. Here are some ideas that may help. Sorry it is so long, but it is a significant part of your success. Best of luck and remember, none of this has any value unless you are in her presence. That means you must get on a plane and meet her.
“Friendship is seldom lasting but between equals, or where the superiority on one side is reduced by some equivalent advantage on the other.” — Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, 1750.
Advanced Dating Psychology
Many people have a hole in their heart. One of the critical aspects constantly before us is to fill this emptiness in exactly the right way. It is a shifting target as we grow. Others are rarely able to perceive the exact nature of these needs and we seldom completely reveal them. The responsibility for the fulfillment of these needs is our own. We must attempt to assess the ability of others to complete our emotional lives. This is, of course, what women are doing constantly. Listen to them. They will tell you.
Now, from your perspective, if you honestly believe that you can or do fulfill these needs for her, you are well on your way. Your task, should you accept it, is to deliver what she needs gradually through the dating process without being overt. You see, her needs are in her subconscious. You must be clever enough to perceive them and deliver the right words and actions at the right time. This is not easy but the rewards for both of you are great. If you do this gradually and consistently over time she will do the rest. She will fall in love you all by herself because that is the way that it happens. If you are the source of her emotional fulfillment, she will forgive your minor flaws, exaggerate your strengths and sell you to herself, her family and her friends. You have certainly witnessed this among the women you have known — sisters, friends, cousins.
Another critical element must be present for love to have a chance and it is tough to accomplish. She must be somewhat uncertain about you. People want what they can’t have. That’s why extremely wealthy people sometimes go over the edge. What is left to achieve or acquire? Our ancient genes tell us to seek — to strive for something better. You need to be that something. It is a matter of being less available than she would prefer. How do you do this? Be yourself. Live your life. Let her try to find a place in it. Be aware that women will often behave in this manner.
Your relationship with her has its proper place in your life. You are interested and attentive but she must share your time and resources with others — family, friends, and yes, other women, at least at first. Never give the impression that she is the only one after two dates. She does not deserve an exclusive relationship with the likes of you unless you are convinced that your emotional needs will be met. This is an attitude that will keep you from degenerating into a blubbering blob of romantic desperation.
Don’t Live to Love, Love to Live
This independence is not an arrogant or rude mode of behavior. That would be false and unattractive to women you would like to date. No, you are just a “most happy fella.” You were happy before you met her and if things don’t work out you will be happy afterwards. Of course, she must believe that you would be much happier in love with her.
So this is the secret. It’s not a Porsche, ripped abs or the right pair of sunglasses. You fill her emotional shopping cart by being an interested, attentive guy who really cares. You are a pleasure to be with because you are basically happy with yourself and your life. Things are just better when you are around. She misses you when you are away, even if she doesn’t reveal it. She is not even sure why. At the same time, you walk this
earth as a free and independent spirit with apologies to no one for managing your destiny. This is a very powerful aphrodisiac
Let’s explore this psychology with a sales analogy. Consider the selling of cell phones. They are fairly simple to produce and are available everywhere just like men. However, there are companies and sales people who will go to great lengths to convince you to buy their product. This is a tough sell.
After all, you have lived this long without their product.
• They will brag about the wonderful benefits of their product, i.e. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to women.” • They will reveal their emotional investment in the sale by appearing overeager and needy, i.e. “Why don’t you want to go out with me?” • They may attempt to make you feel guilty if you don’t buy, i.e. “I’m going join the French Foreign Legion if you don’t go out with me.”
What is your gut-level reaction to these sales tactics? Exactly. Let me outta here!
Consider the master fisherman. He carefully studies the natural inclinations and behavior of the trout. He makes certain that his bait is exactly what the trout would find attractive. He may spend hours tying his own flies. He carefully selects the best spot where the most desirable trout are likely to congregate. He chooses a time of day when they are likely to feed. He studies the phases of the moon. Then being as quiet and unobtrusive as possible, he displays his bait, not himself, to the fish. He carefully moves it in ways that the trout finds irresistible. When the trout commits by striking the bait, he commits by setting the hook at exactly the right time. The master fisherman has knowledge, patience and timing. And now some questions for you:
• How is your bait? Are you as attractive and desirable as you could be? How much effort have you invested, or are you willing to invest? Can you catch a prize trout with a wad of chewing gum? • Do you know where to fish? Are you still wasting time at bars? What lengths are you willing to go to in order to find the best fishing holes? Are you even trying? Can you catch trout in your bathtub? • Do you understand the behavior of the trout? Do women confuse you? Have you studied their natural inclinations? Do you have lady friends that you can really talk to? Have you read any of the popular books on the subject? Fishermen are well aware that trout will swim upstream at a certain time every year. • Do you have a feel for timing? Do you know when to approach, ask for a date, pull back or come on strong? This is a delicate, learned skill. Experience is the best teacher. Are you trying and learning? Does your fishing line break often? • Are you quiet and unobtrusive? Do you gush about your feelings or are you cool? Do you whine, plead, beg, get angry or generally annoy? How is your self-confidence? Are you living large? Are you living for yourself? Do you display quiet strength? Do you scare the fish? • Have you mastered your technique? Do you know how to treat a lady? Can you plan a date? Can you carry on a great conversation? Do you know how to listen? Can you dance? Do you know how to kiss a girl and when? Are you a good lover? Expert fishermen have complete knowledge of their sport. • Are you serious about catching fish? Are you just passing time by dating? (That’s OK, we’re just checking.) Are you ready to advance through the stages of commitment when the conditions are right? If the master fisherman does not land the trout, his skills improve and he waits for a better day.
Compatibility Is Overrated
Everyone talks about it. “It’s so cool. We like all the same things.” While this sure makes things easier, it is not as essential as you might believe. The reason is that the common definition of compatibility is common interests
or tastes. Have your friendships evolved because you both liked Chinese food, the Yankees and reggae? Hardly. Common interests and tastes are very good. They help the relationship along. However, you can have a deep, meaningful relationship with someone in spite of a lack of “compatibility.” Conversely, we could put you in an elevator with someone who matches your interests and tastes perfectly and they would scare the daylights out of you.
An interesting twist on this is that people can get along very nicely if their incompatibilities line up. You may have experienced this with roommates. She hates to drive on long trips while you love it. You can’t match a pair of socks — her lipstick is keyed to her car interior. You get the idea. It could be a good thing.
The real compatibility you should strive for concerns value systems and life issues. How serious to get and how fast, children, religion, where to live, etc. These are the things that absolutely must line up.
The Whole Package
When you are first dating things are simple. You are spending time with her. As you advance to steady dating and then to a relationship everything changes. You are now expected to accept her friends, family and that darned cat. This is a good chance to see if you have a future with her. Observe how she treats those close to her. That is the way you will eventually be treated. Observe the way they treat her. Do you think you could fit in? The closer you become, the more of her life you will have to share. Of course, the reverse is true. How willing is she to become part of your reality? Keep a close eye on this. Many men make the mistake of thinking they can have the relationship without the trappings. Wrong. You have to take the whole package.
It may be helpful to imagine what is going on in a woman’s mind. Great generals use this technique. What would I do if I were in his shoes — attack, retreat? Of course, the more you know about her, the easier it is. Consider her whole life experience — work, friends, family, finances, etc. Try to walk through her day in your mind. What is it really like to be her? Once you think you have an idea, consider your behavior. If you were her, how would you react to what you are doing? What would you want from a suitor? When you proceed from her needs instead of yours, your odds of success improve. This is not to say that you should ignore your own feelings. We are suggesting that you adjust the pace and intensity of your attention to match her ability to accept it. is in there, can you live with the 20 percent? It will be hard work with lots of compromise.
It All Comes Down To Compromise In The End
Show us a perfect match. It’s impossible. Eventually, you make some compromise. You may have heard of the 80/20 rule — usually stated that 20 percent of the people do 80 percent of the work. Think of it this way. If someone meets 80 percent of your expectations and the most serious stuff and frustration. Take a look at some veteran couples you know. Ask them how they managed to get through twenty-five years of marriage. Ask them if they are a perfect match. It will open your eyes. To those of you waiting for the perfect woman to come along, please rethink your criteria. Growing old alone is very sad, especially if it isn’t necessary.
When men prioritize their lives, they typically put their careers at the top of the heap. They define themselves by their job. I’m an account executive. I’m a fireman. Many men have a very difficult time when they retire because they lose a big piece of their identity. Now they must say, “I used to be in insurance.” They will talk endlessly about it. Women often place their relationships and family lives very high on the list. This continues throughout their lives. Maybe that’s one reason they live longer than men. Families continue and outlive us. Of course, many women have very productive careers as well. The point is that for most women, her relationship is a big part of her identity. Look at the process after an engagement. She gets a diamond ring. Her friends go nuts and throw parties and showers. Her family plans and pays for the wedding. It’s all about her. That’s fine, just recognize it. A relationship is a very important thing to a woman.
Time can work for you or against you. It’s your choice. If you expect to develop a relationship very quickly, you will find that it ends as quickly. You can’t ramp up too fast.
Consider nature. Some plants grow very quickly. They complete their life cycles in a matter of weeks or months. Common weeds are a good example — here in May, gone in October. Now think about the most successful plants — the redwoods, oaks and some evergreens. All develop very slowly, some over hundreds of years. They become strong and resistant to the destructive effects of the environment. On the other hand, some weeds are crushed underfoot. The species survives by being numerous.
If you slowly and patiently address a woman’s emotional needs over an extended period of time (at least a year) you greatly increase the chances of long-term success. You have to be in for the long haul — she can depend on you. You will see much weeping and gnashing of teeth if a woman loses the services of someone that she has come to depend on, such as a hairdresser or her favorite aerobics instructor. You become a habit. She will turn to you to discuss good news or bad. You always seem to know the right thing to say. View the movie, “When Harry Met Sally”. Given enough time you will know each other very well and have an enjoyable time along the way. This, my friend, is the genesis of true love. Why? Because you have become a true friend.
Now, what about “casual dating?” This is a great term. Dating should be casual. It shouldn’t be serious or formal. It should be fun. All this philosophy is a bit heavy for your second date — very true. You must still conduct yourself using the above guidelines. You want to be a great date. If you discover that things are not going to work out early on — so what? You had the pleasure of a few enjoyable dates, increased your networking, polished your skills and learned a bit. You also made a nice acquaintance. You will be an even greater catch down the road. And so it goes. You move from date to date getting stronger all the time. On occasion you dwell on one lady for awhile if everything seems right. During these relationships you do your best to make them grow and succeed. With luck (it does have something to do with it) you will go the distance and make the ultimate commitment.
Before his successful career on late night television, Johnny Carson had a show called “Who Do You Trust?” So, who do you trust? Why? In all likelihood you trust many family members — probably your parents. Hopefully, you do trust Mom and Dad. The people you trust would not harm you. They have your best interests at heart. They listen to your dreams, hopes and problems. They intend to continue to love you for the rest of their lives. They display genuine affection for you. It has been this way for many years — as long as you can remember. Of course, you reciprocate. You know a day will come when they will depend on you and you will have their complete trust. So, now that you have a working definition of trust, consider the opposite.
We are not speaking of people you don’t trust because they have harmed or betrayed you. Think about the first time that you encountered a new group of people — perhaps the first day at a new school, college or a job. At that moment, instinctively, you trust no one. Your internal, subconscious mechanisms are urging you to remain free and detached. In this way you remain safe from emotional harm. In this setting, if one person approaches you and is very aggressive about your being his friend and trusting him, what is your natural reaction? You will pull back to preserve your freedom and uncommitted status. The more this person persists — the more you resist.
There is a tale about a competition between the sun and the wind. The wind insisted that it was stronger. As proof, the wind offered to blow the coat off a man walking down a road. Of course, the harder Mr. Wind blew, the tighter the man held his coat close to his body. When it was time for the sun to try, he quietly glowed as warmly as possible. Naturally, the man relaxed and became warm enough to remove his coat. Good lesson.
Now that you have a sense for this natural reaction, you should assume that it is present in every woman you encounter. They have heard it all. Guys have been hitting on them since they got their first training bra. The more attractive and desirable the woman, the more BS she has heard. Therefore, she will have sophisticated internal defenses to overt advances and proclamations of never-ending love. If this is your approach, what makes you think that you are different from all the other guys who have tried? The answer, of course, is that you are not. So what’s a guy to do?
Choose your words carefully. What we mean is stay away from any conversation that even hints at fencing her in down the road. Women have built-in radar that looks for meaning in every phrase. They also have perfect recall. (On the sixteenth of last month he said he was considering trading in his sports car for something a bit bigger.) Men are very loose with their conversation. Be extremely careful about what you say. Keep things light at first.
For example, one mistake amateur gardeners make with seedlings is to kill them by over watering or over fertilizing. A plant must be strong and mature enough to handle that kind of attention.
A few points to consider: • Avoid talking about the future, unless it’s yours. When you do, don’t include her in it. • Don’t hint at future plans for trips or occasions. “Would you rather spend Christmas with my folks or yours?” This is the kiss of death if it’s July and your third date. • Don’t send letters or leave cute messages on her answering machine early in the process. If you feel sudden romantic urges, go work out or write them in a private journal she will never see. (We once heard of a guy who recorded every voice message a woman left him while they were dating and then played them for her. She freaked.) • Don’t tell her how attracted you are to her. Keep your feelings to yourself. • Let your actions speak for themselves. Listening to her and sharing in those parts of her life that she is willing to share is more valuable than rattling on about how smitten you are. • Get your time frame in perspective. It takes several months to get to a meaningful emotional level with a woman. You should not be talking about serious commitment for a least a year.