If you are interested in the lovely ladies of the Philippines, you really need to dial in to this call. It is hosted by my paisan, Greg and his beautiful wife Glenda. Glenda is from the Philippines and these two offer a unique perspective on AFA romance and Club tours. They often dial in to the local office where Helen, the manager will present about four ladies that you can speak to. As an example here are the IDs of the ladies who were interviewed on the May 17th call.171582, 171584, 171583, 172223, 172218. Take a look at their profiles on loveme.com and you will see what I mean.
What is attractive about Philippine girls is that almost all of them speak English. Also, age differences are not as big a concern as in other countries. The guys that travel to Davao or Cebu frequently come home engaged or nearly so. I have heard that the biggest problem you will face is which of the hundreds of girls you will meet, you will choose!
Even if you are interested in another AFA country, I recommend that you dial in to the call as it offers a unique opportunity to see and speak with beautiful ladies. Enjoy, but remember nothing will happen until you make a decision to get on a plane and travel to the country of your choice.
As always, AFA will have some great calls for you. All of them begin at 9:30 EST. Just dial 209-689-0007 and press 103766 when prompted. If you call too early (5 minutes or so) you may get bumped and have to re-dial.
When the call starts, just press 5* to ask a question. Of course you are welcome to just listen and learn, but your questions are very valuable as others will benefit from the answer. Here is the lineup for this week.
Monday – Bud Patterson has been doing this call for many years. Any question is welcome. Bud is an expert on International dating. The answer to your question can benefit the other guys who are listening. You can also log in at the website to see Bud and any presentation he may share with you. You can do this by accessing loveme.com/live.
Wednesday – This call is dedicated to the Philippines. Although you can still dial in as in the past, this call will be featured as a Webcast with Greg and his new bride Glenda. CONGRATULATIONS ON THEIR NEW BABY BOY! You will need to use your PC or phone to enjoy it. Just view any profile on Wednesday and you will find a link to enjoy the webcast.
Renee Piane, the world renowned love coach will host a great call on Thursday,5/25. Renee joins us every other Thursday. Renee can answer any questions you may have about what women really want and how to make improvements in yourself to find that one and only.
Please join us and review the upcoming tours and plan to get on a plane and change your life! The 2017 schedule is available as well as the latest for the seminars.
If you have access to Netflix, there are several films that you really should watch if you are serious about the Ukraine.
The first one is “Love me”
Over a two year period the film honestly shows the “good, bad and ugly” aspects of international dating. So, here is a synopsis of the stories followed by some observations for your benefit. I will introduce the participants without telling you too much so you can enjoy the film, no “spoiler alert”.
The film tells the stories of six men who went on romance tours to the Ukraine. This is balanced by commentaries from John Adams, the CEO of A Foreign Affair and from yours truly. Let’s meet the guys:
Robert from CA. Robert is in the construction business. He met a girl named Vita in Odessa. After meeting her he returned to meet her family and proposed. Eventually he applied for a K1 visa.
Eric from TX. This is one of the best documented stories. He met Inna in Poltava. You will meet her family and his. What is really interesting is that you will witness parts of her K1 interview in Kiev.
Bobby from VA. A government worker who became focused on one girl from Kherson and wrote her a lot of letters over 8 months. He went on tour with the sole purpose of meeting Julia. You will see what happens.
Ron from NC. I’ll let you learn about his story for yourself.
Travis is a dairy farmer from Wisconsin. He met a girl named Victoria in Odessa. Although he tried, things did not work out for him.
The last client was Michael from Australia. He was not an AFA member but worked with another agency in his country. He made a lot of mistakes with a girl named Sveta from Kiev. You can learn a lot about what not to do from his story.
Well, I hope you can view this fine film in the near future. There is much to learn. A few points:
Never write endless letters. Instead save your money and go to the country of your choice. There is simply no substitute for meeting a girl in person.
Don’t focus on one girl to exclusion of anyone else. There are over 40,000 profiles on AFA from countries around the world.
The next film is “Winter on Fire”. It documents the events surrounding the Maidan struggle in the winter of 2014. The reason you should view it is that it will help you to understand the political situation today. Please don’t be concerned about safety as the country is completely calm now in the cities where AFA conducts tours.
No matter what country sparks your interest, do all you can to become informed about the culture and history. After all, if you find your one and only you would do well to understand as much as possible about her homeland.
Have some respect for this much-maligned process. In daily life, it can be meaningless — e.g., discussions about the weather with cab drivers. In an initial encounter, it’s life and death. Small talk is not about the topic or words, it’s about the whole experience. She is much more interested in the sound of your voice and how you carry yourself than how witty you are. Don’t try too hard — you will sound desperate. The simple exchange permits both of you to relax a bit while you experience some of each other’s personality.
If you find yourself in a group, ask questions when people seem to show some expertise in something. You are naturally curious. You are always willing to learn. This shows intelligence. People make the mistake of believing that this makes you look stupid or uninformed. Wrong. You are now fifty percent of an interesting conversation. Put on your Jimmy Fallon hat. People will notice. Some of these people are available women. Get the picture?
The best strategy is to break in with an informed question. Of course, you have to know enough to ask. People love to help others out with their opinions. It doesn’t matter too much if they are right or wrong. Ask open-ended questions. The point is to get in the game. You will appear more attractive if you are participating.
The key is to show some interest and appear somewhat informed. Interesting people are always curious about everything. They love to hear about experiences they have not had. What did it feel like to sky-dive? Observe good interviewers and adapt their techniques. One question follows another. It is rare that the interviewee asks a question. If they do, the answer is very brief and the ball is passed right back. Just be careful not to pry. There is nothing small about small talk. Get good at it — very good. You will need it. Have about four or five
little stories or conversations that you can pull up at a moment’s notice. It doesn’t really matter what they are, but here are a few tips: • The topic should be of general interest to just about anyone. • It should not be controversial in any way — you never know. • It’s nice if the story reveals a bit about you, just don’t brag. It would be better if it revealed a positive side of you. • It should be short — one or two minutes or less. • It should invite a response and initiate an exchange. • Keep it light and humorous if possible.
Often guests on talk shows will have these stories ready to go. Of course, they are usually much longer. Most Jerry Seinfeld episodes are loaded with this banter about nothing special. Be ready to switch gears. That’s why you need several. Segue from one to another if the first one is not catching fire. This is a critical skill and it can be practiced with anyone — relatives, friends, co-workers or people you meet in line. Because the topic will not be romantic and very general, you can easily get in the habit of doing this. It will serve you well. The point is to keep the conversation going — very much like a tennis volley. Silence during small talk is not golden — it is certain death. If the conversation is over, your chances are over.
Small talk should last no more than five to fifteen minutes. You will begin to sound like an idiot after a while. She will expect you to engage her on another level by then or end the conversation. Make sure you do. You must be able to end a conversation as well as start one. This is a major mistake many people make. You are at a social and manage to strike up a conversation with someone interesting. You are doing well. Remember — it is a long evening. She will want to mix and so should you. Unless you are getting major signs of interest, you would do well to end the conversation first and move on. If she is interested, she will remember you. You can always come back later. Excuse yourself gracefully. “It was fun talking to you. I’m going to see if I can find my friends. Bye.”
It is awkward to force her to dismiss you. It will also hurt a bit. You will recognize the uncomfortable silence and body language when it’s time to move on. She will gaze around the room, shift from foot to foot, glance at her watch, etc. As soon as you detect this, get outta there. You can turn things around. “Well, Anna, I don’t want to deprive the rest of the party of your company. It was fun talking to you. I hope to catch up with you later.”
Broken Field Running
All great halfbacks are good at this. They zig and zag, picking their options as they go. They don’t know where they’re going to end up except that it’s going to be down the field. It depends on what the defense presents. After small talk you need to find something to talk about that lights her fire. She needs to feel that the two of you are together on this topic and could discuss it for quite a while. Naturally, you have no idea what that might be, so you have to jump around until you can see daylight. Be persistent in trying different topics until something clicks. Be prepared to be blocked. Just roll off it and your physical condition. That’s broken field running.
Conversations consist of statements, questions and answers. Although the percentages are approximate, your side of the conversation should be 70 percent questions, 20 percent answers and 10 percent statements. Blowhards will switch the percentages on questions and statements. All conversations have a life cycle of their own. They start high and plateau for a while then gradually decline as interest wanes. You need to get a sense for this. How long does the typical talk show guest visit last? Fifteen minutes? You need to end the conversation first. You need to end it before it deteriorates. You need to leave her hungry for more. Of course, she may beat you to it for one reason or another — not the least of which is that you are not all that charming to her. You should know that she is probably aware of these principles as well. Be cool. If you sense that you about to be dismissed (watch for the signs), gracefully excuse yourself if possible.
You do not appear needy. You are safe company. You have style and grace. She may want to talk to you again later . Besides, she will notice that you simply moved on to talk to someone else and you are showing those pearly whites and just having the best time — very effective.
If you are consistently talented at being personable and a highlight of any gathering, your reputation will grow. You will be invited to more parties. Your circle of friends and acquaintances will increase. This is the best of all possible worlds. This is where you want to be. It is surprisingly easy.
Someone needs to speak first. Equal rights aside, society generally expects the man to take that role. If she speaks first — congratulations. It is rare but not impossible. By the way, always return an invitation to chat, no matter what the woman looks like. It is a nice thing to do, improves your confidence and conditions you to automatically go into conversational mode at every opportunity.
If a woman speaks first by asking the time or directions or by making a general comment, consider this an advance. It could be a rare, golden chance at romance. You may be wrong but it is worth exploring if you think you are interested. It takes a lot for a woman to do this, so either she is interested in you or really needs to know the time and you just happen to have a watch. If she appeals to you, follow up immediately with a question. This will take some creativity because you will be caught off guard. Do your best to initiate a conversation and keep it going. In the process, you can watch her body language and determine if there is a real opportunity here. If you wimp out, she will drop the issue immediately and the opportunity will have passed. Pity.
What do you say? Anything. It really doesn’t matter too much. It could be centered around what you are mutually experiencing. The line is long, you don’t know where the books about physical fitness are located, she has Virginia plates on her car, whatever. Just say something. You will get an immediate indication as to her receptiveness. She will reply or mumble or ignore you. At least you will know. If she seems completely uninterested, simply smile and say “have a great day.” No harm done. You dropped a line in the water, got a nibble and the fish swam away. So what? It’s good practice. It toughens your resolve and makes it easier the next time.
With some luck, she may reply with a question of her own or an acknowledging smile. That is enough of a signal to continue. Center the next comment or question around her. She has a chance to participate easily and perhaps develop the conversation herself. Just keep chatting and smiling.
After two or three exchanges — introduce yourself. This is key. She needs a comfort level. Once she knows your name, she can drop her guard a bit. You are no longer a total stranger, you are a guy she met at the deli. That’s progress.
Steer the conversation to value matching when you can. Since you have your list memorized, start asking about her ambitions, dreams and values. Don’t be too intrusive. It is just as important to make her feel like you are an old friend she can trust as it is to gather information. You must be sincere and truthful at all times. You want to entice her with your potential as a romantic partner. Do this by revealing what you like and then observing her reaction. Make her curious to find out more. The price for that information is spending more time with you. If you are in a setting where she is having a drink, look for an opportunity to buy her another. Don’t be pushy about it. Make her feel like your guest. When you sense that she is very comfortable with you, and not before, ask if she would like to accompany you to a nice café for coffee and more chatting. Identify the place and say how nice it is. Say that she could follow you in her car and head home from there since it is very close. Of course, you have done your research and know a few appropriate places in the area, right?
If she hesitates because she is not quite comfortable, lead her to believe that she could be missing out on something very nice — a possible date with you! Since a great relationship is exactly what she’s looking for, it could turn the tide. Keep things light, not threatening. It takes a certain amount of self-confidence, but a conversation like this might be appropriate.
Her: “I don’t think I want to get that involved right now, thanks.” You: “You know, Anna , opportunity is a funny thing. I see the possibility of us having the best time getting to know each other better. I see us out at a nice restaurant laughing and enjoying a great meal. I’m the kind of guy who can’t let a good thing pass me by. Don’t you think it’s exciting to do something a bit adventurous? How about investing an hour and finding out?”
By the way, one of the biggest mistakes we make is to let our eyes wander around the room while we are talking to a woman. They hate that. If you think about it, so would you. Summon all your concentration and maintain eye contact while you follow every word she says. Study the section on active listening very carefully. Play mind games with yourself if you must. Pretend she holds the secrets of the universe and will be revealing them soon. She can tell you who will win next year’s Superbowl. That should help. By the way, if it’s really this difficult for you to listen to her now, maybe this isn’t the gal for you. If you end up in a relationship with her, you will be listening a lot. It should be pleasant.
Although this story could be from anywhere, including America, this one is very revealing. Understand that she is from Ukraine, where our domestic abuse laws do not apply. Read on and consider.
I do not want to waste any time. I want to tell you very frankly about my unpleasant experience and my search for the here and now.
I had a relationship in which the man drank and beat.
I was naive and in love.
I was sure that he will change for me. It is normal for women, because each of us wants to be special, which will receive the key to the heart, and a marriage proposal. I was no exception.
But as time went on, the more my enthusiasm waned.
Years passed, but his habit to gather with friends turned into chronic. First, a couple of times a month, then every weekend.
Once I was in a bad mood and told him what I think: I want to get married, I want children, but it is not possible to do with infantile alcoholic. I’m tired of being submissive. He beat me …
I gathered my things and went to my parents.
He apologized, crawled on his knees, but I do not think back to hell on their own is a good idea. Although many of my girlfriends strikes are the norm not only in bed …
I am an ordinary woman with advantages and disadvantages, but my distinct characteristic – this is my sincerity. I prefer to tell the truth and do not want to spend more than a minute wasted. I want to enjoy life here and now, in real time, in the arms of a real man, to which will be interesting to spend time in bed with me than with friends and alcohol.
As you know, Melania Trump is now our First Lady. Because she is the only one as a naturalized citizen since Louse Adams in 1825, I think there are some parallels as you seek an international bride.
For one thing, perhaps it will put to rest the unfortunate and erroneous term, “mail order bride”. Perhaps a bit of context will be helpful.
Melania was born in Slovenia in 1970. Slovenia is a small country in Eastern Europe in what used to be Yugoslavia. She began modeling at an early age and was signed to a contract in Milan in 1988. She gained international recognition and came to America in 1996 on an H-1B work visa, which had to be renewed yearly.
In 1998, she met the President socially. She became a legal resident and got her green card in 2001. The two married in 2005 and she became a naturalized citizen in 2006.
How does this help you? First of all, it removes some of the undeserved misunderstanding about an international bride. When your family or friends question your motives, you can point to her story. Also, it demonstrates that foreign ladies are not necessarily seeking a green card under any circumstance. After all, Melania speaks 6 languages fluently and has chosen to live in New York in order to raise their 10 year old son.
No matter what your political beliefs may be, the story of her naturalization, although it wasn’t through a K1 visa has to be encouraging to you in your search. But remember, unlike the First Lady, nothing will happen until you make a decision to get on a plane and travel to the country of your choice. As always, I wish you well.
Often questions come up about letters. Let’s discuss their value and some cautions.
The first thing I would like you to do is to put yourself in the position of the more than 44,000 beautiful ladies who have placed their profiles and their trust with AFA.
Here are some facts. Although we are free to browse and enjoy the profiles from the comfort of our home, the ladies do not have this advantage. The only way they can view your pictures and what you have shared in your description is to visit an office and ask to use an AFA equipped computer.
Also the competition among the ladies is a real challenge. Understand that the reputation of AFA is very strong, but tours are offered several times or perhaps only once in their city each year. Therefore lettersare an important point of contact for them. Indeed, once an exchange of letters commences, they will look forward to receiving them frequently, perhaps several times per week. I have heard often of ladies being disappointed or even angry when this doesn’t occur.
You have to realize that for the most part life is very difficult in the nine countries AFA offers romance tours to. Perhaps she works 10 or 12 hours each day, six days per week. She may have to care for a child as well. So a letter from you is a real bright spot in her day. For this reason, she may be very forthcoming and even aggressive in her letters. While this is pleasant and complimentary for you, there is a problem.
Now that you understand what it is probably like for the ladies, let’s try an analogy. Suppose you live in Chicago and you will be transferred to Los Angeles. You have decided to purchase a home there, but time and cost prevent you from traveling there to search for the right property. Certainly you could use the many real estate sites or even contact an agency. Although you will see attractive photos or videos and detailed descriptions, should you make an important life decision without actually seeing the home? Of course not. Now back to the point at hand. It is impossible to fall in love and marry a person you have never met! I’m sure that you agree. Look, we put our best foot forward when we write to attractive lady, so does she. This is not dishonest, it’s just human nature. Clearly you will not know if there is even a possibility of a connection without actually meeting her and spending some time getting to know her.
The reality is that a high percentage of those who use the services of AFA will never get on a plane to meet anyone. This is sad. You don’t want to be part of that demographic. I met a guy at an airport once he was not an AFA client. He had spent over $20,000 on letters and chat (AFA does not offer chat for this reason) and was just now traveling to meet some ladies! What a pity. You will discover that other sites will be happy to let you write letters and spend money as long as you wish. But what is the result?
So what should you do? If you enjoy corresponding, please continue. No judgement here. Your ultimate happiness is the only concern. I have experienced many guys who happily met their one and only while on tour – no letters involved.
So, again, how should you proceed? First, explore the profiles of the many countries AFA offers and decide what appeals to you. All the ladies on AFA are beautiful in their own way. One man’s steak is another man’s lobster. Once you have decided on a country, explore the many tours offered and select one that meets your needs.
About 3 weeks before you depart, select several (maybe 4 or 5) ladies that really appeal to you and meet your criteria (age, children, etc.). Write to each of these ladies and mention in the subject line that you will be visiting her city and when. Keep the letter brief. Tell her why you are writing to her and a bit about yourself. Believe me, these ladies will be delighted. You will probably receive a reply from most of them. It is not necessary to write more than two or three times. This keeps the cost at a minimum. Also, remember that it is a bit of a revolving door. What I mean is that each week dozens of new profiles are announced on loveme.com. Of course ladies get engaged or remove their profile for a variety of reasons.
When you arrive the AFA personnel will assist you to meet the ladies you have written to. This idea, plus the hundreds of ladies you will have the opportunity to meet at the social will put you way ahead of the game. You see, as John Adams, the CEO says, it’s a numbers game. The more ladies you meet, the better your chances are. Oh, by the way NEVER travel to meet only one lady.
Thanks for your attention, but remember, the critical factor is the decision to get on a plane and GO! Nothing will happen unless you do. As always I wish you the best.
I have something important for you to consider, especially if you intend to travel with AFA for the first time (and you should). It has to do with the domestic dating circumstance that you have become conditioned to. In America there are slightly more men than women. The ladies therefore can be very selective. Unfortunately often the criteria have much to do with physical appearance or finances. I am not telling you anything new. We have all spent a lifetime under these conditions.
There is no way to prepare yourself for what you will experience on an AFA tour, no matter where choose to go. Think about it. How could you attend a nice social with a few dozen “wingmen” Where you will have a “carte blanche” opportunity to meet several hundred attractive women who are there to meet you in America? Exactly. There is no way to replicate what awaits you on an AFA tour.
I have seen the amazing reaction many times. An AFA social turns everything you have come to know on its head! Rather than an attractive girl here being the commodity eagerly sought after by every guy, now YOU are the commodity! Why? Because of the ratio of course, but much more important is the motivation and intention of the dozens of beautiful girls you will have the opportunity to meet.
You see, what they seek is very rare in their home country. What you offer is a decent guy who will treat them right, be faithful and supportive for a lifetime of happiness. Our reputation precedes us fortunately. Foreign women know how special AFA clients are. So while attractiveness plays a role, it is not the most important thing. These “marriage minded” women are much more interested in your values.
Kevin Costner did three great baseball movies. The last one was “For the love of the game”. He plays a talented pitcher for Detroit who is at the end of his career. There is a final scene where he is facing a New York batter. To prepare he uses his concentration to block out the crowd and everyone except the job at hand – to pitch a perfect game. I’ll never forget what he says, “Clear the mechanism”. So here is my point. When you first go over you need to clear the mechanism. Leave all your domestic dating experiences behind. They no longer apply. Prepare for a very pleasant new paradigm.
However, here is the obvious trick. You have to make a decision and GO! Please don’t write endless letters. Save the money for an opportunity that will change your life. Many have. As always, I wish you the best.
Often there are questions from men who intend to travel to the Ukraine on a romance tour. What is it like? How should I dress? What can I expect from the many lovely ladies? How should I behave and approach them?
First of all, Ukrainian socials are different from those in the other countries offered by AFA. Think of it as a wedding reception or cocktail party. Everyone is free to mingle and enjoy the evening. You have every opportunity to be successful on your terms. AFA will take care of the details such as food, champagne and entertainment, leaving you to meet and greet as many ladies as possible, but you are responsible for your own happiness.
So let’s get down to it. What should you do and what should you expect? The ratio is sure to be very much in your favor. It is typical to experience 8 or more per guy. When I think about it, it would be impossible to encounter such a benefit domestically.
Usually the ladies will seat themselves at a table with their friends. So there will be many tables with several ladies at each. Your advantage is that you can survey the situation. Then ask one of the many translators to help you go to each one and enjoy the company. One tip. If there is a lady or two at the table that has captured your interest, be gracious and spread your attention around to everyone. What you want to do is create a “party”. Your translator will help you.
Clearly, it’s not in your best interest to spend a lot of time at any one table. Instead you should encounter as many ladies as possible. Remember because the IMBRA regulation is satisfied by AFA, you are free to exchange contact information with anyone who interests you.
About halfway through the evening, the lights and music will come up and many will get up and dance. The choice to join in is yours. Because the ratio is so much in your favor, the women will have no choice but to dance together. Often AFA will provide some entertainment. Your goal should be to have the contact information of as many as possible. One idea. Often couples will go out to a restaurant or a Karaoke bar to continue the fun when the social ends.
Please remember that the attendees go to a lot of trouble to look their best. You should do the same. As the old saying goes, “dress for success”. And most important remember, you want have fun and you want the ladies to have fun. Save the more serious questions for a second or third date.
First – As the ancient Greeks said – “know thyself”. It has been said that these are the most important two words ever spoken. It is not easy. It is doubtful that we are honest about this. It requires impartial thought. If you are successful then you can assemble a reasonable criteria for your future life partner. Stick to it as you encounter the many beautiful women on A Foreign Affair.
Second – Then do all you can to educate yourself about the process. Other than this blog, your best source is loveme.com. It would take you weeks to completely study and understand all that is offered on the site. Learn to use the many features and be certain to complete the free registration. Also, be certain to dial in to the regular Monday night calls. The easy instructions to do so can be found on the home page of loveme.com. You can just listen and learn or ask any questions you may have. Continue educating yourself – I still do.
Third – Examine the many cultures offered through A Foreign Affair – Asia, Latin America and Europe. Look at some of the more than 40,000 profiles and decide what appeals to you. Once you decide, do all you can to understand about the culture. It will serve you well when you finally decide to join the very small percentage of men who actually travel to their selected destination. As you review the beautiful women you can encounter in your preferred country try to match these to the many romance tours offered. Of course other options such as the Executive Program and individual tours are available as well.
Fourth – Once you have selected a country, try to identify the cities included on the romance tour and identify several women that meet your criteria and appeal to you. Rather than write endless letters and engage in a month’s long “pen- pal” situation, save your money towards a future trip.
Fifth – When you have booked your tour or individual travel, then select a few ladies in each city and write letters to each. It is very important that you state in the subject line that you will soon be in their city. This really sets you apart from the many letters she may receive. You can include as much detail about your plans in the body of the note as you wish. Let her know that you will have the local office contact her once you arrive. NEVER TRAVEL TO ONLY MEET ONE LADY! Perhaps you will meet her and there is not the chemistry you seek either way. What will you do then? Of course if you are on a romance tour with the socials you may encounter a woman where all the pieces are in place. I have seen this several times, but it is rare. You can also look through the catalogs and ask for the help of the office. However, there is no assurance that the lady is available or is interested in meeting you.
The two most important factors in success are age and children.
Match your age to the many ladies you will have the opportunity to meet. There will be very attractive women under the age of 25 that will be happy to have a nice meal or even go shopping. However, a woman this young has very little life experience. It is my experience that a woman who is 21 and a domestic woman of the same age are not that different. As the song says “Girls just want to have fun”. You are very serious in your search for a life partner. Have fun if you wish, but please understand if she is not in your generation and you are older than her parents, the odds are not in your favor. A difference of 15 years can work. There are exceptions of course, but they are exceptional. However, the ladies in the Philippines are not as concerned about an age difference.
This is a huge issue. You must have an opinion about it. You don’t need to express that opinion on the first date, but it’s just good to have one for a number of reasons. The older you are, the more critical the issue becomes. Many women are already mothers. It is very rare to find a mature woman who has no children. How do you feel about this? If you are absolutely certain that it is unacceptable, fine. Just have an opinion. You cannot expect to seriously date a woman with children without your lives becoming intertwined. It is something you must accept. They are a package deal. Of course, they may have an involved father. That’s a whole other program. Some guys love the idea of a built-in family. There is a lot of complexity here. We are just asking you to give it serious thought. There is no sense starting down the road with a woman with children if you are not going to be able to deal with them.
If you have children, you have a challenge as well. Your dates are going to have to have this information fairly soon. It could go either way for you. We do not recommend that you introduce a woman to your kids until well into a relationship. It is not fair to the kids or to her. Children bond easily. You are probably divorced, so they are already going through a lot. They don’t need to get attached to your lady, only to have you move on in a few weeks. Keep your dating and your fathering separate. Also, make sure that your fathering comes first. We know this is tough, but that’s what good Dads (and real men) do.
As childless women approach their late thirties many of them begin to panic. You have heard of the ticking “biological clock,” no doubt. While medical science is doing incredible things with reproduction, there are serious problems for a woman at this stage of life. The longer she waits, the less likely it is that she will conceive. There are procedures to help, but they are expensive and marginally successful. Additionally, later pregnancies carry more risk for the baby and the mother. What does all this mean? It has an impact on dating. Time is now an issue for these women. They must find the right guy who will be a good husband and father and want to have children right away. That’s a lot of pressure. You need to be aware and sensitive to this when you are involved with her. The dating cycle is compressed. She will not be willing to give you several years to make up your mind. Also, you need to be fair and not trifle with her affections if you are not prepared to move at a faster pace. As always, honesty and communication go a long way. You will have to have frank discussions fairly early on. Another consideration is that some women in this position might behave more desperately than they would have ten years ago. You must take this into consideration.
If you are certain that you do not want children – that is your right. You will severely limit the pool of women who will be willing to seriously date you. It is something you will have to accept. If you really mean what you say, get a vasectomy. It is a very simple procedure – it just sounds bad. There is a reversal procedure that has a percentage of success, but it is expensive. You should postpone such a serious decision until your thirties. Of course, you will have to communicate this to any woman you get serious about. There are women who are very serious about their careers or who don’t want to be moms for other reasons. There are just not that many of them. She may have elected to have a tubal ligation, which will prevent her from conceiving.
If you are younger and are not a father now, your options are wide open. You have time. You can date whom you please. Know this – most women want to be mothers. It’s a natural fact. You don’t have to face this right away, but once things get serious it will come up. Here is where you should have an opinion. Do you want them at all? Do you want them sooner or later? How many? It is best to have a general idea of what you eventually want. It shows responsibility on your part. That is always attractive to women.
If there is a man in her past that had a significant relationship with her, you may have to contend with some fallout. He could be an ex-husband, a former fiancée or even a long-term boyfriend. If there are no children involved, she should have resolved all their issues before getting involved with someone else. This is a good measure of her emotional health and maturity. If the ties are still in place – watch out. You want a clear field. You deserve it. Sometimes she will still be in contact with his parents and family. Courtesy and civility are one thing. Spending Christmas with this guy and his family is another. Children are an entirely different matter. Understand something very clearly. Kids always come first. If she is a mom, then she is a mom first and your girlfriend second. It has to be that way. Those kids may have an involved dad and he has to be big part of their lives. That may make him a big part of your life if you get serious with her. This is a package deal. It is not an easy road. That doesn’t make it impossible. It will take a lot of maturity, commitment and patience on your part to make things work. Maybe she is worth it. Also, you need to accept his family as part of the kids’ lives. They may be in-laws from Hell. You will have to be accommodating and pleasant in order for the kids to maintain their involvement with his folks.
If you are a dad, then you can reverse engineer the last paragraph. She has to be willing to embrace the whole program. Kids require constant care and attention until they are adults. They will always be a part of your lives as adults. Think very carefully about all of this. That cute little five-year old will be arguing with his mom for the car in eleven short years. By the way, how will things work if the two of you have one or two kids of your own? Will all things be equal for all the kids – yours, mine and ours? The Brady Bunch was just a TV show. Be very careful.